separate lives

They say that time heals all wounds. For me however, that cliche always lacked what every wound leaves after it has healed. Wounds always leave you with scars, and this is what my story is all about. I would like to believe there is a lot to learn from it.

This is very difficult for me to talk about, but I think it's about time for me to gather enough strength, come to a realization, and do the right thing. So here it goes...

I am a young married woman, with two lovable kids. Both boys. Actually I am separated with my husband for almost five years. Looking back 7 years ago, after I graduated college, when I first met my husband. A common friend introduced Mr. X. He was attracted to me the first time he saw me. Almost every day we talked on the phone till dawn. He visited me everyday in my office. Then, after months of courtship, I finally say YES to him. I was his first girlfriend and he was my first. He admitted that he had changed since I came into his life. He's an undergraduate, ex-addict, tambay, lazy, irresponsible guy. But despite of this, I am madly in love with him, maybe because of his voice. Maganda kasi boses nya sa phone and considering he's a band member, he is the vocalist in the group. Uso pa kasi that time iyong mga live bands. Siguro nabighani ako sa magandang boses nya everytime na kakantahan nya ako while playing the guitar. After a year, I got pregnant. Kahit ayaw sana akong pakasal ng mother ko, because my mother is against him, because of his kakaibang personalidad, napilit din sya na mga tita ko, kasi para daw mabigyan ng pangalan ang magiging anak ko. So we got married. The first year of being together, I can say that we're happy during those times, or so I thought. Kahit na maraming problemang dumaan sa buhay namin, pilit na kinakaya. As you can see, my husband was jobless ever since. I forced him to continue his studies while I continue to work to earn income for the family.

I admit, my parents are against him. Kasi nakikita naman nila na wala man lang silang nakikitang effort from my husband para magpursigeng buhayin ang aming pamilya. I tried to fought for him. I tried to be blind for all the irresponsibility and selfishness of my husband. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, minahal ko sya at pinakasalan, so I have to accept him and continue to love him. Even though there are some misunderstandings come our way, we still managed to hold on.... not until our second year of marriage, it was the most painful and tormenting moment in my entire life.

My marriage has been shaky due to my husband's inability to hold a job and his irresponsibility. On top of that, he had "other" special relationship without my knowledge, that matters worst.

It was August of year 1999, like a thief in the night, he left our house. Without saying goodbye, without telling me what is his reason for leaving. I woke up that day, surprised when I checked the cabinet emptied with his clothes and things. After six months, still there is no communication from him. Wala akong balita sa kanya. Hindi sya nagpaparamdam man lang. But then, I have my pride, umalis sya ng hindi man lang nagpaalam, so sabi ko sa sarili ko bakit ko sya hahabulin. Matuto syang bumalik. Until one night, I had a dream, I was really crying when I woke up. I dreamed that he has a girlfriend, at malayong malayo na sa aming magiina. Without a second thought, I called him in their house to check him. He was surprised, then immediately said, musta ka na? ng mga bata? I told him we're okay. I didn't asked him bakit sya umalis ng bahay. As if we’re not a couple when we talked over the phone.

Then we finally agreed to meet in their house because he wants to see our children. When I saw him, he is not wearing our wedding ring, but he's wearing an engagement ring with an engraved name of a girl on it.
I accidentally open and read the txt messages in his cellphone, there I read love quotes, love messages from a certain girl. There is one text msg there that made me stop and think, it goes something like this: "Mahal, happy 8th month anniversary, I love you so much!...." Hindi ko na inintindi iyong kasunod, coz when I tried to read between the first line", naiiyak na ako. Naalala ko iyong dati nyang pangako sa akin, na ako lang ang mamahalin nya habambuhay, na hindi nya ako pagpapalit kahit kanino. Na walang ibang babae kundi ako lang. I realized, these were all LIES....BUT ALL LIES!!!

You know what happened next? Naghysterical ako, I was bursting in tears...humahagulgol ako like a child. His father and sisters stopped what they are doing, They watched me. I can recall I was uttering the words:
"DADDY, ATE, si Mr X. may girlfriend oh!" Pero wala man lang nagsalita sa knila o kumibo. They just continue to watch me. Wala man lang akong nakitang comforting words or explanation na narinig lahat sa kanila...including Mr X. Kaya mas masakit para sa akin. Kahit na sa mga in-laws ko pala, wala akong nakitang suporta. I was really hurt, very hurt! My intension sana that time ay para sunduin sya...para pakiusapan na bumalik na sya sa amin. And his answered was NO, I cant. Kahit anong pilit ko, ayaw talaga. Umuwi na lang kaming magiina sa bahay. During those times, I had sleepless nights. At hindi na ata ako kumakain non, dahil ayaw na ring tanggapin ng sikmura ko. I lose weight. I was so hopeless and so much depressed. My life then was so miserable. No one ever really knew what is really going on in my life. I used to end up crying by myself trying to hide my emotions from everyone else. Pretending, I am okay. That I dont have problems. Natatakot akong mag-open ng problema ko sa ibang tao, including my close friends, relative, and that includes my parents...kasi ayaw ko iyong kinakaawaan ako. Masakit sa akin iyon.

Being a catholic, I value the importance of the blessed sacrament of matrimony. I value FAMILY. I think of my children, mahirap ang sitwasyon ng isang broken family, ang mga anak ko ang babata pa nila, wala nang kagigisnang ama. Anong isasagot ko sa knila if one time, tanungin nila sa akin kung bakit wala ang ama nila. Kung anong nangyari. I have so many questions that are left unanswered. Bakit nangyayari ito sa akin, bakit ako?

Pero sa mga nangyayaring iyon sa akin, hindi ko sinisi ang Diyos. Siya lang ang naging karamay ko ng mga panahon na iyon. Wala akong pinagkwentuhan kahit kanino. Tanging ang dasal ko lang ang way of communication Namin. I prayed every night and day to give me strength and courage to face this trial He gave me. I also prayed that Mr. X would change and come back to us.

Hindi ako mapakali sa isang araw na lumilipas na walang nangyayari sa buhay ko, I decided to fought for him. Bawiin ko kung ano iyong para sa amin. He is my husband, and the other is just a mistress. So I did all my best para bumalik sya sa amin. I memorized the number of the other girl so I had a chance to text her... I sent her a message na, "payag ka bang habambuhay kang mistress? Masaya ka ba kung malaman mong may natatapakan kang tao? Masaya ka bang may nasirang pamilya? Ipagkait ang kaligayahan ng mga bata?" However, I didn't received a reply from her. Instead, I received text message from my husband saying, "Kahit siraan mo ako sa kanya, hindi mo na maibabalik ang pagmamahal ko sa'yo!" Iyon na ata ang pinakamasakit na text message na nareceived ko. Of course, I cried that time.

Why is love so unfair? What have I done wrong to deserve this. I tried to win him back because I still love him in spite of all his indiscretions.

But still hindi pa rin ako sumuko, I managed to talked with the girl's parents and sister...and you know what happened? Sa paguusap namin, I feel like I am the "other" woman pa. They told me, bakit kung kailan
magiisang taon na sila Mr. X at iyong anak nila ay saka ako bumabalik at nanggugulo. Na hindi ko dapat sirain si Mr. X sa knila dahil botong boto sila don. I just said, salamat na lang. Hindi ko na sila sinagot.
Mahirap sumagot sa tingin mong, wala namang kakampi sa'yo. Sabi ko nga, nagmamahalan sila pareho at may consent pa ng magulang ng babae, so bakit ko pa ipaglalaban. I was just thinking, meron palang magulang na kunsintidor.

It was not easy to walk away from him despite everything he did. I was too attached to him because he was my whole world. I would be so lost because I was weak. I know it was pitiful but I could live with his unfaithfulness more than I could with his absence.

Until one day, hindi rin kasi nawawala sa isip ko iyong value ng FAMILY at kapakanan ng mga anak ko sakaling walang magisnan na ama. Even though, their father is irresponsible, jobless and has nothing. Still ama pa rin sya. At ayoko ring masira ang pamilya namin. During that time, parang nawawala na rin iyong love ko sa kanya. Inisip ko na lang ang pinapangarap kong buong pamilya at kapakanan ng mga anak ko. So I decided for the last time to take my last try. The last chance. I asked him na magkita kami sa isang kilalang Mall. Sa may labas non, there are people and vehicles passing by. We are in the garden, in the middle where people and vehicles passing by. I asked him to come back. I tried to please him.

I told him, gagawin ko ang lahat ng gusto nya, para lang bumalik sa amin. I told him, mahirap ang isang broken family, think of the kids. Anong sasabihin ng ibang tao. I tried to explain to him. I tried to convince
him. But he said No, wala ng babalik. Napaiyak ako. Call me a martyr, still, I didn't give up. I immediately told him, "Luluhod ako dito sa harapan mo, sa harap ng maraming tao, para lang bumalik ka sa amin gagawin ko." So I immediately kneeled down before him. Tumawa sya nang nakakaloko, sabay sabing "WAG ka nang umasa..dahil hindi na mangyayari iyon." At tinayo nya ako mula sa pagkakaluhod.

Grabe! That was the most painful part in my life na gusto kong kalimutan. As you can see, I am a degree holder, I graduated with flying colors and managed to be on top of my undertakings; and he's an undergraduate person. Sa trabaho, nirerespeto ako mula sa security guard up to the top management level. I gained friends kasi mabait naman ako at marunong makisama. Pero sa isang taong tulad lang ni Mr. X, nawala ang respeto ko sa sarili at dignidad ko. My life with him, is really miserable.

I have finally gathered courage to finally let him go and find my true happiness.

I think I did all my best and no one can blame me for not fighting enough to save our marriage. No one can force me to take him back. If this is the way things have to end, then let it be.

I realized that although love means sacrifice, to a certain extent, it is no longer healthy when your sacrifice is being abused by your loved one. I realized after all these years, the Lord may have been listening to my
prayers. Although I am I have learned to truly love and a appreciate my biggest blessing from the Lord. I believe that with or without someone else, I will raise my children to the best of my ability to be a very
responsible young man.

But if he truly realized his mistakes and became a better person, he should let me go and start anew with another person. I can no longer be with him because I no longer want to live in fear and mistrust.

I finally decide what is good for me and live by it. Whatever it is, let it be a decision made out of love and not bitterness. If this has to end then let the ember grow cold not because I wanted it to but because it just did, naturally.

It was a year after, when I was fully recovered. Still no one knows what really happened. People are asking me kung ano ba talaga ang nangyari, but I remain silent. Until one day, when I am browsing the internet, in one of a well-known site, I posted a message saying &I need friends.someone I can talk to. And I posted my mobile number there. There is one person who replied back and sent me a message this person is my web best friend till now. She is the one who comforted me when I am sad and feel alone. She is the first person whom I confided my personal problems. We became close friend since then. Thats why I am thankful to have her as one of my best friend.

It was December of 2002, when on the same site one of the text messages posted there struck my attention IS LOVE WORTH DYING FOR? Later did I know that message came from a male.

to be continued......