Tuesday, February 15, 2005

no matter how

i just realize this past few days that you cannot force yourself to love someone...someone that really loves you, and willing to do anything and everything for you...well i met this guy, i thought i love him but i was wrong, maybe because i met the real him, hindi naman sa masama ugali niya pero ayoko yong dinedemand ako at isa pa ayoko yong gusto niyang mangyari na to have sex with him...duh yoko nga hindi ko feel wahehehee....maybe i don't like the idea of a seb so i stopped talking to him, then i got a call from him na papakamatay daw siya, so scared my heart sabi ko sa kanya gawin niya gusto niya but really i was so scared and keep on praying na sana huwag....and i hated him the most coz he let me feels like a paranoid sa kaabang ng news, na baka may nag-suicide or ano kasi yong haus nila lapit sa national road ng muntinlupa sabi sa akin, tatalon daw siya sa building don, diba katakot? so i ask friend fo possibe nga ba mga suicide coz i really, really am so nervous and scared kaya sinabi ko sa friend ko nangyari then he told me this, at talagang bumaon sa utak ko, a man who lusts will not think of ending his life coz the lust will last...waheheheh....the end na sana kaso last november 1 nag txt siya and then i replied asking kung patay o buhay yong kausap ko....wahehehe bad me, but nyways, same old him, makulit at demanding pa rin, we talk about what i don't like and he told me na nagawa lang niya iyon kasi mahal niya ako (touch ako) i know i can love him pero ang bigat niyang dalhin to the point na hindi ako masaya sa kanya...hay buhay pag-ibig nga naman napaka-hiwaga mo....

Saturday, February 12, 2005

what's happening to me

what a bad day!

tapos kanina pagpasok ko sa work, i can't hear anything, yong ang layo-layo nung sound ng kausap ko, to think nasa tabi ko lang yong kausap ko huhuhu!!!! tapos may mga voices na sumisingit hindi ko alam kung sino sila.....basta it's so weird! kahit hindi ko iniisip....nangyayari pa rin..........what a gggrrrr!!!! day!

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

continuation of separate lives

I have always wanted to post this story of mine. As a matter of fact, I've already written many versions of this story but they were all left unfinished. I don't know where to start and when to end. It could have been easier for me if it was others' story, but what you are reading is my own, and that is what makes it hard.

It took me awhile before I decided to spit out my own fair of sorrow in public. In my heart, mind and soul - - It'll always be a memory that made me realized that there are only two people in this world, "One who make things happen...and one who wait for things to happen"...I hope this serves as a challenge, lesson and inspiration to all of those who loved and lost it...

"It was December of 2002, when on the same website one of the text messages posted there struck my attention
IS LOVE WORTH DYING FOR? Later did I know that the message came from a male."

I was starting to put back the shattered pieces of my life together, when I met someone on the net. At first, it was just plain chatting, knowing each other through 0.4 centimeter-high letters on the computer screen. Let's call him "BATMAN" for it is the favorite superhero of my eldest son. BATMAN is a typical guy who needed someone to talk to. His life was full of misery and he needed a shoulder to cry on. It seems odd, instead of me needing help it was I who offered help. Helping him made me feel my worth and brought back the strength that was once lost.

We have talked about life in general and ordinary things, yet somehow with deeper meanings. Our conversation ended with an exchange of mobile numbers. We talked about almost anything under the sun. It was great having a friend like him; it was like we've known each other all our lives. As days passed, we grew closer. We shared each other’s secrets, each other’s passion, and each other’s heartaches. It took me months before I confide with him my personal problem. Though, one portion of my secret that I hide from him is that I have two kids.

BATMAN proved to be very interesting and very intellectual, at that. Well, his being an absolute stranger

was beside the point. Our rendezvous over the net became frequent. We mutually exchanged emails since then. I fancied hearing stories about his job, his plans for the future and his interests. Over all, I enjoyed knowing him and learning things about him.

One time he sent an email and text message telling me that he loves me. Alam kong nagbibiro lang sya and that it is just his way to forget his ex-girlfriend. He tried to convince me na bakit hindi namin subukan maging "kami". We decided to have a trial relationship. I know it sounds crazy and funny thing his idea but I find myself accepting his offer. Bottomline, naging "kami" ni BATMAN. I don't know what came to mind that day. He's the type of guy that wouldn't take "NO" for an answer.

Though, BATMAN quite understood my situation. He is very supportive to me. He is the typical guy, computer genius, kind, down-to-earth, God fearing, straight man, very responsible, family type of guy, disciplinarian, strict, walang bisyo, and everything that a girl who would look for a perfect guy. I was so pleased to the point that I was falling for him. It took me six months to really fall deeply for him. It was the first time I fell deeply in love with another man after my first heartache. I don't know how, but we fell in love. At least I believe I did.

I really fell for him because of his sweet and thoughtful ways and his regular text messages that remind me to take care, eat well and so on. We hit if off because unlike my husband who is an undergraduate, he was well within the same intellectual level as I am and we communicate very well. In fact, he was the one who taught me to be open about what I feel.

Kahit hindi man kami nagkikita we still managed to keep in touch through text and emails. Given the precocious means of communication, which were in our hands, we inevitably fell in love, virtually. It wasn't my idea of a relationship but I found some form of contentment and satisfaction from it. And so I programmed my mind that he was the one for me. We promised each other that the love we shared will be there always and forever.

Like any other relationships, we too had an on and off relationship. We have petty quarrels, asaran, kulitan at pikunan. I admit, masyado akong selosa that time. Kasi ba naman masyado syang playboy. He admitted that he had netgfs before. At minsan pa nga eh pinagsasabay nya. Mahilig kasi sya makipagchat. That's why I have so many hesitations, doubts and fears with our relationship. Ayoko nang maulit at maranasan pa ang naranasan ko with my ex-husband. Each day makes me feel more frustrating, thinking about that man I should end up with...and sometimes, I feel like I'm about to give up. I'm tired of getting in and out of a relationship, I wanted a real one...a more stable & focused.

My relationship with BATMAN didn't worked out so we parted ways. After a year, I said goodbye to him. This was not the kind of relationship that I really wanted. We had our faults but never took time to resolve our differences. I was caught unguarded, my hopes and dreams came shattering in front of me. I didn't know what to do. It was as if my whole life had fallen into pieces. A month passed by and I anxiously waited for him to work things out for our relationship, but I waited in vain. I came to know that he has a new netgirlfriend a week after we broke up.

It's so easy for him to replace me. All the time, I believed that he would love me and keep me forever. But then, this is my own fate.

If he is really serious about his intention, then he has to prove it beyond uncertainty. Even if he does, I would still have to deal with my own doubts. I love him. That's fine. But, love ain’t just enough to keep a relationship.

I'm not bitter, I don't blame myself, him or God for this situation. As a matter of fact, I'm thankful, painfully odd as it is; this situation has made me stronger person I am now. For some time I grieved, but when I finally became sober, I realized that I cannot blame BATMAN either. I know how much he tried to stay. Perhaps he just got tired and cannot hold on anymore. But I cant help ask myself why should a woman, or a man for that matter, fall for another when they are not meant for each other? Whenever I pray, I always ask God to help me let go of this love. I just want to feel the same way he feels for me--as a friend and nothing more. I know I can get through this because I believe that God wouldn't give me something He knows I couldn't handle. Someday I would be able to smile again without being hurt when I remember him. I believed that God has His reason for all of these.

Five years ago, I felt the same pain. But then, time already healed my wounds, I've learned to forgive and forget. I'm able to retain my friendship with BATMAN because I don’t want to live my life full of hatred in my heart. Strange as it may seem, all I know is that I still care for this person I once loved. And it's breaking my heart one night he cries to me nung time na nagkakalabuan sila ng new gf nya. I sympathized with him, and I wish I could do something to ease even a little of his pain. All I have to do is let him know that when the time he fall, I'll always be there to catch and take care of him. Hanggang doon lang.

I know I'll find someone, but a part of me will always remain with him. The tears will still fall once in a while. I know I will still think about him, but this time, not with anger or hatred, but with precious thoughts of the things we shared. And the pace and the love that I feel, these are things that no one can ever measure.

One thing I've learned, It is not how much pain we feel that matters. What matters is that we are able to find a space in our hearts to forgive those who have hurt us. It is not how hard we have stumbled that matters. What matter is that we muster enough courage to stand on our feet and try again. It doesn't matter if we have found love and lost it. What matters more is the joy that feeling brought us. What matters most is that we loved at all.

This special friendship with BATMAN is all that's left for us. In fact I know that we can never be. My prayers are for both of us to find the right persons to fill up the spaces in our hearts that long for the one true love. I'm hopeful someday we will find our own happiness.

"To let go of someone doesn't mean you have to stop loving, it only means that you allow that person to find his own happiness without expecting him to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but it is also setting yourself free from all bitterness, hatred, and anger that you keep in your heart."


"You are just a dream that I once knew

I never thought I would be right for you

I just can't compare you with anything in this world

As endless as forever

Our love will stay together

You're all I need to be here with forevermore "

One of my favorite lines in the lyrics "forevermore" best describes a new chapter of my life.

I knew a long distance relationship wouldn't last be easy, but the possibility of a future together made the miles seem unimportant. Finally, the person I'd been waiting and praying for had come into my life. It had been a long wait but God's response came right away.

I met "SUPERMAN", it is my youngest son favorite superhero, through text messaging. At first, I have no idea where he got my cell phone number. He said, he got it from a common friend of ours. I can still remember the first text message he sent me that night, "kung pwede bang makipagkaibigan?". Ayoko na sanang sagutin kung hindi nya lang sinabi agad na binigay ng kaibigan ko iyong number ko sa kanya. After I received the text msg from him, I received another txt message, this time coming from my friend. She confirmed that she gave my number to SUPERMAN, at entertainin ko raw mabuti. Woah! I smiled. I asked her paanong entertain ba ang gusto mong gawin ko dito kay SUPERMAN. Of course, I was just kidding.

I replied back, instead of answering his txt msg, I asked him .... "Ano bang alam mo sa akin?"

I don't know exactly my reaction when I read his reply but for sure natawa ako, he replied back.... "MABAIT at MAY ANAK."

I don't know exactly what is he up to in the first place alam na pala nyang may anak na ako. Ano ba talagang gusto nya? I thought, he is the happy go-lucky type of guy. At Iyong bang paloko loko, tambay at walang magawa sa buhay. But I was wrong.

I've known him for being such a sweet and loving person. He is a very sensitive individual who takes his relationships seriously. He showers the object of his affection with all the love and care he could possibly give.

I started to enjoy every message he sent and we both became good friends. He always makes me smile and we can talk about everything and anything. We just couldn't stop texting each other. He calls most especially when no one seems to be there for him. He always tells me that he finds comfort with my words. As a friend, that is all I can give him aside from prayers, of course. We usually spend hours on the phone talking about matters of the heart, hurting and letting go. Our casual conversations gave way to deep talks on life, love, our innermost thought, problems, and secrets.

The first conversation was followed by many more long hours on the phone. We haven't seen each other yet but it seems like we've already known each other for so long. Until we exchanged each other’s pictures and greeting cards.

In his text messages, he always told me that he loves me.

I know he'd been telling me before but the way he said it that day was very different. And so, I badgered him with questions why he told me that. And I don't know, I guess I believed him, because I, myself, was feeling the same way, too. Actually, I didn’t want to feel that way. I was falling, I still am. Well, I don't blame myself. "SUPERMAN" is sweet, caring, affectionate, thoughtful, mature and a gentleman. Pretty much like BATMAN. But I know they're different in many ways. And I don't wanna compare them.

"When you meet that special someone you'll understand why it didn't work out with anyone else."

Finally, I realized that I was falling in love with him. I can't help fall in love with him. He's perfect, responsible, intelligent, resourceful, thoughtful, loving, sweet, caring, upright, kind, family-oriented and God-fearing individual. My life was then in such despair, but I knew that he was always there for me.

As the time passed by. I found myself slowly falling for him. It was a smooth sailing relationship. I can feel the sincerity whenever he told me he loves me. Probably, a woman's instinct. SUPERMAN eventually became my boyfriend. Soon our friendly messages turned to sweet exchanges and we started to say I LOVE YOU to each other. Months passed and we were happy together. I felt so blessed to be his girlfriend.

I believed that a guy if he truly loves a girl, would introduce his girlfriend to his family. I was speechless when he told me that he will introduced me to his family in the province of La Union. I, a residence in Manila. At first, I thought he was kidding. I told him I couldn’t, honestly I was afraid that time. Sabi nya, sya na lang pupunta at gusto nya akong makita. In which I strongly object. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, kailangang kilala ko nang mabuti at sigurado na ako sa lalaking muli kong mamahalin at makakasama habangbuhay pag may dinala na ako sa bahay at ipapakilala ko ang taong iyon sa mga anak ko at mga magulang ko. So I have no choice. Kailangang makilala ko munang mabuti ang taong ito then see it for myself if he had a pure intention on me. Kahit malayo, kahit alam kong mahirap para sa akin, at kahit alam kong pangit tingnan sa isang babae ang pumunta sa bahay ng isang lalaki, that time feeling nervous and tense, I took the chance. Probably, gusto ko syang subukan. Gusto kong malaman kung gaano nya ako kamahal, and one of the proof is when the time he will introduce me to his family, as his girlfriend. His future wife, and future partner in life.

"Listen to your heart, for it knows the truth."

An eight-hour travel time is quite difficult for a first-timer like me. I was so nervous in the bus I was riding into. If only I could turn back the time, I want to back up. Pero andun na eh. I arrived exactly 1:00am in La Union. He immediately held my hand, the moment he saw me. As if we knew each other for so long. Meeting him was the happiest day of my life. I've never felt this wonderful before. My feelings for him grew stronger everyday.

"True love doesn't consist of holding hands, it consists of holding hearts."

"My life was so predictable. Never any mystery. But ever since you shined the light. All of that is history. Now I have a hand to hold. And a reason to believe. There’s something in my life worth living for. I was hanging ’round just wishing on a star. To put the happiness back in my heart."

He then proudly introduced me to his family to show pureness of his intentions. He and his family treat me like a princess. I could not ask for more. A family who loves me, my kids, a stable job, lots of friends and a boyfriend who loves me more than anybody else. He really proves to me how much he loves me. And that was what I wanted. I love him so much.

"I never thought love could be so magnificent until I saw the sincere look in your eyes, telling me that this time...I would never shed another tear."

This time, I met somebody who showered me with love, care, affection I had been longing all these years. He was the one who taught me that LOVE is not really JEALOUS. As long as both partners trust each other, then everything will be in its proper place. He loved my kids and my kids adore him. Since he came, I realized what I had been missing all along - the happiness I deserve which I haven't sought all these years.

"Sometimes I wonder why I fell in love with you in the first place, and continue to love you after all the pain. And then you smile at me, and I realize why; without you, I can't breath."

SUPERMAN could be the answer to my prayers. Our relationship started not with deception but with honesty and it would surely stand as strong foundation. I know I am very lucky for he understood and accepted my past. Not all men would be as open-minded as he is. Neither is it convenient to find a man who can love me for what I have been and father a child who isn't his own. Kahit minsan, hindi nya ako binigyan ng ikasasama ng loob. He always tries to understand me. I can't believe such a man still exists today and I will forever be thankful for him.

"The only love I know, is the love we shared, the love you showed me; a love I never knew until you came into my life ... that I know is real."

Everything seemed just fine with our relationship and my relationship with him became deeper, not until....

It would have been easier for me to fulfill my promise to SUPERMAN, had not BATMAN came into the scene. He asked me if I still love him. He told me that he still loves me, or so I thought. If I will tell him I love him, then this will only mean na "kami" na ulit, and leaving SUPERMAN behind. I instead asked BATMAN to give me enough time to think because I know deep in my heart, I also have feelings for him that I cannot explain. I cannot explain if its real love or just plain friendship that I feel towards him. This is the time I asked opinions from different people...."THE ONE YOU LOVE or the ONE WHO LOVES YOU?" It is choosing the one I love, BATMAN??! or the one who loves me, SUPERMAN??! Medyo magulo at nakakalito ano? Kahit ako naguluhan. I was so confused. Hindi ko alam gagawin ko. To the extent na gusto kong piliin si BATMAN.

"To truly love something, you must first give it a chance to fail. If it survives, it is going to be stronger than ever. Distance is pure proof of this, and forever we will love if we survive."

SUPERMAN has been so kind and loving, and being hurt is something he does not deserve. The next days since then were so crucial. I decided to keep everything inside me but I was never a good actress. In such an unexpected time, I blurted out all my feelings to SUPERMAN. I want to know his reaction what if I chose BATMAN. Niloko ko sya sabi ko nagkabalikan kami ni BATMAN and I don't love him anymore. Alam kong nasasaktan sya, hindi nya lang pinaparamdam sa akin. Kahit kailan kasi ayaw niya ng away. He doesn't want confrontation. He remained calm. He always tells me na "tumigil ka nga dyan!" As if parang wala lang. And he kept on telling me how much he loves me. He is always there to understand me.

"But there is always hope for God sees and listens. All we have to do is ask Him to show us the signs along the highway of life so we can turn back and seek new roads that will bring us the promise of hope and lasting happiness."

I tried to weight things out. Pinagisipan kong mabuti. I finally have the answer to my own question, "THE ONE YOU LOVE or THE ONE WHO LOVES YOU?" I have always believed that in the longer course of a relationship, a woman can only be happier not with the man she loves but with the man who loves her.

And as days passed by, SUPERMAN became an important part of my life. Lalo syang napamahal sa akin. This time, I know that I really love him.

"The road to true love was never easy, I know I've hit all the bumps, but now I'm standing strong saying, I love you, 'til the end of time."

This time, we were not afraid to talk about the future... OUR future.

"You bring such happiness to my life and fulfill that love I have looked and searched for."

"My life was so predictable, never any mystery. But ever since you shined the light. All of that is history. Now I have a hand to hold. And a reason to believe. There’s something in my life worth living for, I was hanging ’round just wishing on a star to put the happiness back in my heart."

"It's not who you are to the world, it's who you are to me. It's not how many times I say I love you... it's how much I really do."

I finally saw a tomorrow with him. I thought this time, it was for real. I have learned so much from this experience. I've learned to love unselfishly, and I realized that the best lovers are those who are capable of loving from a distance, far enough to allow the other person to grow, but never too far to feel the love deep within your being. He wouldn't let a day pass without telling me how much he loves me. There were so many things I couldn't put into words and so many words I couldn't put into actions.

"If I can't have you, I'll just be a single parent for the rest of my life."

"No matter how big the world is, if we are meant to be together, love will lead us to be together."

"In the end, it's still best to wait for the one we want rather than settle for what is available. It is still best to wait for the one you love rather than settle for the one who is around. It's still best to wait for the right person, because life is too short to waste on the wrong one."

a story of my dear friend
a friend that's so mild but strong
this is just a beginning of her new love

separate lives

They say that time heals all wounds. For me however, that cliche always lacked what every wound leaves after it has healed. Wounds always leave you with scars, and this is what my story is all about. I would like to believe there is a lot to learn from it.

This is very difficult for me to talk about, but I think it's about time for me to gather enough strength, come to a realization, and do the right thing. So here it goes...

I am a young married woman, with two lovable kids. Both boys. Actually I am separated with my husband for almost five years. Looking back 7 years ago, after I graduated college, when I first met my husband. A common friend introduced Mr. X. He was attracted to me the first time he saw me. Almost every day we talked on the phone till dawn. He visited me everyday in my office. Then, after months of courtship, I finally say YES to him. I was his first girlfriend and he was my first. He admitted that he had changed since I came into his life. He's an undergraduate, ex-addict, tambay, lazy, irresponsible guy. But despite of this, I am madly in love with him, maybe because of his voice. Maganda kasi boses nya sa phone and considering he's a band member, he is the vocalist in the group. Uso pa kasi that time iyong mga live bands. Siguro nabighani ako sa magandang boses nya everytime na kakantahan nya ako while playing the guitar. After a year, I got pregnant. Kahit ayaw sana akong pakasal ng mother ko, because my mother is against him, because of his kakaibang personalidad, napilit din sya na mga tita ko, kasi para daw mabigyan ng pangalan ang magiging anak ko. So we got married. The first year of being together, I can say that we're happy during those times, or so I thought. Kahit na maraming problemang dumaan sa buhay namin, pilit na kinakaya. As you can see, my husband was jobless ever since. I forced him to continue his studies while I continue to work to earn income for the family.

I admit, my parents are against him. Kasi nakikita naman nila na wala man lang silang nakikitang effort from my husband para magpursigeng buhayin ang aming pamilya. I tried to fought for him. I tried to be blind for all the irresponsibility and selfishness of my husband. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, minahal ko sya at pinakasalan, so I have to accept him and continue to love him. Even though there are some misunderstandings come our way, we still managed to hold on.... not until our second year of marriage, it was the most painful and tormenting moment in my entire life.

My marriage has been shaky due to my husband's inability to hold a job and his irresponsibility. On top of that, he had "other" special relationship without my knowledge, that matters worst.

It was August of year 1999, like a thief in the night, he left our house. Without saying goodbye, without telling me what is his reason for leaving. I woke up that day, surprised when I checked the cabinet emptied with his clothes and things. After six months, still there is no communication from him. Wala akong balita sa kanya. Hindi sya nagpaparamdam man lang. But then, I have my pride, umalis sya ng hindi man lang nagpaalam, so sabi ko sa sarili ko bakit ko sya hahabulin. Matuto syang bumalik. Until one night, I had a dream, I was really crying when I woke up. I dreamed that he has a girlfriend, at malayong malayo na sa aming magiina. Without a second thought, I called him in their house to check him. He was surprised, then immediately said, musta ka na? ng mga bata? I told him we're okay. I didn't asked him bakit sya umalis ng bahay. As if we’re not a couple when we talked over the phone.

Then we finally agreed to meet in their house because he wants to see our children. When I saw him, he is not wearing our wedding ring, but he's wearing an engagement ring with an engraved name of a girl on it.
I accidentally open and read the txt messages in his cellphone, there I read love quotes, love messages from a certain girl. There is one text msg there that made me stop and think, it goes something like this: "Mahal, happy 8th month anniversary, I love you so much!...." Hindi ko na inintindi iyong kasunod, coz when I tried to read between the first line", naiiyak na ako. Naalala ko iyong dati nyang pangako sa akin, na ako lang ang mamahalin nya habambuhay, na hindi nya ako pagpapalit kahit kanino. Na walang ibang babae kundi ako lang. I realized, these were all LIES....BUT ALL LIES!!!

You know what happened next? Naghysterical ako, I was bursting in tears...humahagulgol ako like a child. His father and sisters stopped what they are doing, They watched me. I can recall I was uttering the words:
"DADDY, ATE, si Mr X. may girlfriend oh!" Pero wala man lang nagsalita sa knila o kumibo. They just continue to watch me. Wala man lang akong nakitang comforting words or explanation na narinig lahat sa kanila...including Mr X. Kaya mas masakit para sa akin. Kahit na sa mga in-laws ko pala, wala akong nakitang suporta. I was really hurt, very hurt! My intension sana that time ay para sunduin sya...para pakiusapan na bumalik na sya sa amin. And his answered was NO, I cant. Kahit anong pilit ko, ayaw talaga. Umuwi na lang kaming magiina sa bahay. During those times, I had sleepless nights. At hindi na ata ako kumakain non, dahil ayaw na ring tanggapin ng sikmura ko. I lose weight. I was so hopeless and so much depressed. My life then was so miserable. No one ever really knew what is really going on in my life. I used to end up crying by myself trying to hide my emotions from everyone else. Pretending, I am okay. That I dont have problems. Natatakot akong mag-open ng problema ko sa ibang tao, including my close friends, relative, and that includes my parents...kasi ayaw ko iyong kinakaawaan ako. Masakit sa akin iyon.

Being a catholic, I value the importance of the blessed sacrament of matrimony. I value FAMILY. I think of my children, mahirap ang sitwasyon ng isang broken family, ang mga anak ko ang babata pa nila, wala nang kagigisnang ama. Anong isasagot ko sa knila if one time, tanungin nila sa akin kung bakit wala ang ama nila. Kung anong nangyari. I have so many questions that are left unanswered. Bakit nangyayari ito sa akin, bakit ako?

Pero sa mga nangyayaring iyon sa akin, hindi ko sinisi ang Diyos. Siya lang ang naging karamay ko ng mga panahon na iyon. Wala akong pinagkwentuhan kahit kanino. Tanging ang dasal ko lang ang way of communication Namin. I prayed every night and day to give me strength and courage to face this trial He gave me. I also prayed that Mr. X would change and come back to us.

Hindi ako mapakali sa isang araw na lumilipas na walang nangyayari sa buhay ko, I decided to fought for him. Bawiin ko kung ano iyong para sa amin. He is my husband, and the other is just a mistress. So I did all my best para bumalik sya sa amin. I memorized the number of the other girl so I had a chance to text her... I sent her a message na, "payag ka bang habambuhay kang mistress? Masaya ka ba kung malaman mong may natatapakan kang tao? Masaya ka bang may nasirang pamilya? Ipagkait ang kaligayahan ng mga bata?" However, I didn't received a reply from her. Instead, I received text message from my husband saying, "Kahit siraan mo ako sa kanya, hindi mo na maibabalik ang pagmamahal ko sa'yo!" Iyon na ata ang pinakamasakit na text message na nareceived ko. Of course, I cried that time.

Why is love so unfair? What have I done wrong to deserve this. I tried to win him back because I still love him in spite of all his indiscretions.

But still hindi pa rin ako sumuko, I managed to talked with the girl's parents and sister...and you know what happened? Sa paguusap namin, I feel like I am the "other" woman pa. They told me, bakit kung kailan
magiisang taon na sila Mr. X at iyong anak nila ay saka ako bumabalik at nanggugulo. Na hindi ko dapat sirain si Mr. X sa knila dahil botong boto sila don. I just said, salamat na lang. Hindi ko na sila sinagot.
Mahirap sumagot sa tingin mong, wala namang kakampi sa'yo. Sabi ko nga, nagmamahalan sila pareho at may consent pa ng magulang ng babae, so bakit ko pa ipaglalaban. I was just thinking, meron palang magulang na kunsintidor.

It was not easy to walk away from him despite everything he did. I was too attached to him because he was my whole world. I would be so lost because I was weak. I know it was pitiful but I could live with his unfaithfulness more than I could with his absence.

Until one day, hindi rin kasi nawawala sa isip ko iyong value ng FAMILY at kapakanan ng mga anak ko sakaling walang magisnan na ama. Even though, their father is irresponsible, jobless and has nothing. Still ama pa rin sya. At ayoko ring masira ang pamilya namin. During that time, parang nawawala na rin iyong love ko sa kanya. Inisip ko na lang ang pinapangarap kong buong pamilya at kapakanan ng mga anak ko. So I decided for the last time to take my last try. The last chance. I asked him na magkita kami sa isang kilalang Mall. Sa may labas non, there are people and vehicles passing by. We are in the garden, in the middle where people and vehicles passing by. I asked him to come back. I tried to please him.

I told him, gagawin ko ang lahat ng gusto nya, para lang bumalik sa amin. I told him, mahirap ang isang broken family, think of the kids. Anong sasabihin ng ibang tao. I tried to explain to him. I tried to convince
him. But he said No, wala ng babalik. Napaiyak ako. Call me a martyr, still, I didn't give up. I immediately told him, "Luluhod ako dito sa harapan mo, sa harap ng maraming tao, para lang bumalik ka sa amin gagawin ko." So I immediately kneeled down before him. Tumawa sya nang nakakaloko, sabay sabing "WAG ka nang umasa..dahil hindi na mangyayari iyon." At tinayo nya ako mula sa pagkakaluhod.

Grabe! That was the most painful part in my life na gusto kong kalimutan. As you can see, I am a degree holder, I graduated with flying colors and managed to be on top of my undertakings; and he's an undergraduate person. Sa trabaho, nirerespeto ako mula sa security guard up to the top management level. I gained friends kasi mabait naman ako at marunong makisama. Pero sa isang taong tulad lang ni Mr. X, nawala ang respeto ko sa sarili at dignidad ko. My life with him, is really miserable.

I have finally gathered courage to finally let him go and find my true happiness.

I think I did all my best and no one can blame me for not fighting enough to save our marriage. No one can force me to take him back. If this is the way things have to end, then let it be.

I realized that although love means sacrifice, to a certain extent, it is no longer healthy when your sacrifice is being abused by your loved one. I realized after all these years, the Lord may have been listening to my
prayers. Although I am I have learned to truly love and a appreciate my biggest blessing from the Lord. I believe that with or without someone else, I will raise my children to the best of my ability to be a very
responsible young man.

But if he truly realized his mistakes and became a better person, he should let me go and start anew with another person. I can no longer be with him because I no longer want to live in fear and mistrust.

I finally decide what is good for me and live by it. Whatever it is, let it be a decision made out of love and not bitterness. If this has to end then let the ember grow cold not because I wanted it to but because it just did, naturally.

It was a year after, when I was fully recovered. Still no one knows what really happened. People are asking me kung ano ba talaga ang nangyari, but I remain silent. Until one day, when I am browsing the internet, in one of a well-known site, I posted a message saying &I need friends.someone I can talk to. And I posted my mobile number there. There is one person who replied back and sent me a message this person is my web best friend till now. She is the one who comforted me when I am sad and feel alone. She is the first person whom I confided my personal problems. We became close friend since then. Thats why I am thankful to have her as one of my best friend.

It was December of 2002, when on the same site one of the text messages posted there struck my attention IS LOVE WORTH DYING FOR? Later did I know that message came from a male.

to be continued......