I've been reading my previous posts since this month, and I've noticed that it's all about pain. Well, maybe this is one point in my life that I have to undergo, but life is like a book, I have to finished this chapter in order to start a new, and I think this chapter is almost over.

Last week, august 18, I woke up in the morning with a terrible headache, I was planning not to go to work but I still went to work that day. Upon arriving at work, I 've heard my neighbor talking about an accident along sablan going down San Fernando , La Union, the bus lost his control on the break so the bus fell on the cliff or on the mountain, it's so sad. No feeling at all just the headache, I must admit I don't want to associate anymore the headaches on accidents, although I know there's a connection.

Later that afternoon, as I was editing the news for the stringer of GMA 7, I was saddened by the news that there were 41 deaths already and 18 survivors, it's really sad. And guess what I exactly feeling at that moment? IT feels like I know someone from that accident who died, but I just can't figure out who, coz the I have no names or lists at that time.

August 19 at 8 Am, I just get up from bed, (still having an headache) I was out of my room, when my cp rang, it was Atty. Ofel, wondering why is he calling, maybe he's here in Baguio( he's in Tarlac) and he wants to see me, so I answered him, telling me that someone called him that a this blah blah was killed in an accident, he is one of the cassualties on the bus yesterday, so I said what???? Can you imagine that, just woke up still having a headache and you heard this early in the morning? Whew! I told him that I'll call Chit (my mami, the wife of dadi) I was hoping that she will answer me in a jolly voice like hello ghenski!!!!! how are you my dear!!!! I was really hoping for that answer, but my heart sank when I heared her sobs, telling me that dadi is one of the casualties. Shock! I cried, I try to be strong but I can't I told her that I will go there by her side that day. Whew! calling ofel back that it's really true that he's one of the casualties, I was crying when I told him that, but when I heard him strong still, I stop crying, it feels like that I zapped some courageousness in him. But when I went to marlon's wake, no, I was weak, I cried, and seeing mami cried that no more tears to shed because of pain, I cried more. I was talking to Marlon to at least show some sign but none, that's why I told mami, that he's gone, he crossed over.

Tomorrow is Marlon's burial I wanna go there, but it feels like I'm not gonna make it, but I don;t know, it feels like Im too weak, I don't know I can't explain. But I am praying that God will direct me what to do for tomorrow. And I know that, whatever what will happen tomorrow, he and mami will understand.

Yesterday, there was a hostage drama at the Quirino grandstand, that's the news break early afternoon of yesterday, I thought it was just an ordinary hostage drama that will not lead to a bloody ending, but I was wrong, at 7 in the evening when I saw his brother shouting, that the police is in the act of arresting, I don;t know but I have this feeling that his brother will going to die, but never expected that some other innocent will die too. You can call me crazy or whatsoever but that's what my feeling before the bloody ending.

I guess police who responded the crisis yesterday lacks intelligence, plans and equipments. Given the fact that they have sniper in place, but how can you fire when you can't even see the suspect? What lacks yesterday is a good negotiator, I don't know what could happened if there's a good middle man between the hostage taker and the government.

The question is who?

Im okay now, I may not right anything and everything in here, because there's something to be kept on my own. But what matter's most is, I'm fine, I've been to the doctor yesterday, hhhmmm he's a cutie in fairness hehe. Well, anyway, I'm in the process of dissecting my emotions, maybe I just missed a part of my life now, not necessary the reason why I am depressed. But I know God is good, and I think I didn't need a partner as of this time, I'm just rushing things up, and maybe blinded or should I say, jealous of what other's have. But at this very moment I am ok, not that 100% ok but manageable. Hhhmmm, what else? Everything will come at right time.And that time will be perfect for His glory perfected it. Ciao!

don't cry out loud

don't cry out loud i'll keep it inside, I guess that's what I'm going to sing from this very moment, I am depressed and I hate it, I don't want to talk to anybody right now even if someone wants to talk with me, yeah the least person I've ever expected.

I feel so alone and sad, I asks myself, why it has to be this way, why I felt and continue to feel this way. I've been patiently listening to cries of other people and my friends, and keep on giving opinions and comforting words, now it's my time to cry, why is it that nobody wants to hear me, that's make me sad, but crazy, there's this man who wants to listen, but I keep on pushing him away, you know what? because I don't want him too, the more I confessed what's happening to me the more I cry. Maybe, times like this, really happens and I don't know how long it will lasts, I hope soon because it makes me sick, I try to be happy, and I am happy now, but a little bit sad, I am crying while I'm writing this. Can't understand myself right now, hope this will be over, I'm not myself this past few days.

So many things I want to write but I don't know, there's a feeling of hesitancy on my part, there's hope all over my heart and in my soul, just feel a little bit tired. I need time of myself now. The people that I love I will keep you in my heart, and it doesn't matter anymore if you will love me back, I will be hurt but there's nothing I can do.

When I'll be back it would be different, it will be old brand new me, la la la, hehe